Little About Me

Who Am I?

At first I would say I'm your average person blogging, 
but then I realize there is no "normal"
And even if there was such a thing, 
I could never be labeled as a regular person.

Take a look at me on the street & I seem to be your typical American gal...
a little taller than average, brown hair, light colored eyes, 
a loving mom & wife who tries to keep in shape & healthy.

Like many,
I don't (and never really have) followed what is just "expected" of people.
I am not rude or strange in a bad way (at least I don't think I am). 
I've never broken any laws that I know of, never made bad choices as a kid/teen. 
I just see the world a little differently.  I take my beliefs seriously.
Again, not in the light that I am uptight, 
but that I love people no matter who they are or what they used to do in the past, 
but still having moral conviction of right & wrong 
based on REAL Biblical Principles, 
not some trumped up idea people stand on in our Christian culture.  

I care about the truth & being honest to youth I mentor & the people I know,
even in this age of watered down belief & religious bigotry, 
I find a way to present the reality of truth to anyone willing to sit & listen (& truly understand).

You would think by looking at me my life has always been "easy" but it hasn't.
As a kid, I looked like all was just fine when, in reality, 
I was living through hell (more on that later).
I hid behind a smile & passion so no one would know (not even myself)
the emotional scars & pain on the inside.
I shoved it down & it eventually bubbled up from time to time.
Until one day (not sure when now) it refused to be hidden any longer.
Depression ensued & stayed with me like a dark shadow that grew.  

Now dealing with that pain has & is a day to day work along with being a full-time mom & wife.
Its hard for me because I have to daily process my actions as a mom so I successfully change the horrible chain of abuse in my family.  I am succeeding, but it can be worrisome wondering if you are being a good, balanced mom to your kids & family (hubby says I do better than I think).
I don't have time for this "dealing with emotions" right now....I kept telling myself this lie.

I am just now pulling out of years long struggle with depression from out of nowhere, 
which put strain on everyone & everything in my life.
Nothing was getting done, I felt nothing, wanted to just sit & exist.  This is no way to live....absolutely not a way to thrive.

The shocker came in June 2014 when so much happened & then in July when I finally started allowing myself to cry, really cry for a while letting out all the shut up emotions.
I had been trying to do this on my own strength & I finally let go of my need to look perfect, "normal" to those around me.  
Yes, I am different & have a story to tell--its not pretty
But it has a happy ending!

I was hiding my uniqueness, trying to allow people to not pre-judge who I am before getting to know me.  This always backfires.  I needed some self acceptance & self-esteem to accept
me for who I am & not care what others think.
And I am beginning to understand.  Who you are can't be hidden.  Even if you try to hide it, it leaks out the wall you build.  
Just be who you are & if people don't like you or don't' want you around, that's on them, not you.
You can only be you.  

Yes, I get passionate about things.  Yes, I love music & Christian Worship music along with many other styles of music (look at my iTunes, you would see how eclectic my collection is).
I am a bit "granola/crunchy" if you understand...I love nature & organic, healthy food.  
I want my family to eat right....I love sports like basketball, swimming, soccer, running around with my kids (OK that's not a sport but I count it as exercise). 
I love being a stay at home mommy & I loooove my morning coffee be it drip or latte.
I care about other's well being & want people to not just be spiritually strong, 
but physically as well (so eat your organic veggies!).

I am a creative but messy person by nature & I've learned to accept this about me. 
If I know who & what I am, I can better myself in small doses.
I do things for me as well as for my family now.

I am a Domestic Diva! I know the balance between work & play.  
I know when to stop both (most of the time).
I want to daily be at the best I can be that day, pacing myself as I work.

I am who I am....anyone who would like to argue with that can take it up with me!