Thursday, August 14, 2014

What is LOVE?

So I have been thinking about this lately...then I found this blog I never posted back from 2011.  So here it is:

Love is more than always feeling passionate & warm n' fuzzy.  Its about choosing to love even when you are upset and are not happy with how others are acting.  So, here's to getting over disappointment and mending the hurts by continuing on and mending it with TLC..

I am about to put some tips down for marriage..ones we need to start using.  I will put up the links for the whole article. Mostly due to the large entries on some of the 7 tips (mostly tips  1&2)...so please, check out the full article--its super helpful!!

7 Marriage Tips to Stay Lucky in Love

 

Marriage Tip No. 1: Purge the "D'" word.

With the taste of wedding cake barely off their lips, divorce is the last thought -- or word -- on newlyweds' minds. But as the honeymoon period wanes, and day-to-day difficulties crop up, the word can come up frequently during arguments for some couples, say relationship counselors.
"Just don't go there," suggests Steve Brody, PhD, a psychologist in Cambria, Calif., who counsels couples. "Some people pull that out much too early, and much too often in a relationship. It raises a whole level ofanxiety [in the person hearing it]."


Marriage Tip No. 2: Replace the 7 deadly habits in a marriage with the 7 caring habits.

Learning the seven bad habits and the seven good ones is the easy part, admit William Glasser, MD, a Los Angeles psychiatrist, and his wife, Carleen Glasser, MA, who co-authored Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage and include this idea in their book and counseling sessions. Putting them into practice takes effort, of course.
The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.
The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

Marriage Tip No. 3: Take care of yourself.

This marriage tip is short and sweet: "Take care of yourself physically and spiritually," Brody tells couples.
That way, your stress will be down and your tolerance will be up. You'll be less likely to get on each other's nerves -- and to squabble. You're more likely to have a happy marriage.

Marriage Tip No. 4: Discuss outside friendships.

While some married couples consider activities such as workplace friendships with members of the opposite sex acceptable, some relationship experts disagree.
"I'm not big on cross-gender friendships for married people," Brody says. "It's playing with fire." One exception, in his book: If a wife has a friendship with a gay man or a husband has a friendship with a gay woman, he's fine with that, since the romance potential is nonexistent.
Otherwise, he says, the line is too easy and tempting to cross.

Marriage Tip No. 5: Stop trying to control your partner.

It's another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other -- using a technique psychologists call "external control" -- is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other.
You have practiced this "external control" if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.
Learning not to control a partner can be a long process, but the Glassers offer some tips on educating yourself. "Think first," Carleen Glasser says. Ask yourself: "If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?" Then think of what you can change to make the problem better, she suggests.


Marriage Tip No. 6: Honor and respect your partner.

"Be honoring all the time," says Thomas Merrill. That means no "my old lady" stories, he says. And it also means a wife shouldn't be flirting with male co-workers or other men.
Respect was also a marriage tip that came up often from the marriage masters, Boggs says. "The No. 1 principle that almost everyone talked about is respect," he says. "You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect."
Respect, say those with a happy marriage, means not undermining your partner in front of the children. "And don't go outside the marriage when you are having a problem," Boggs says they advised. "Discuss it with your partner."
Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others, Miller and Boggs were often told by the marriage masters. To make this marriage tip easier to practice, consider the input of one marriage master on the topic, Boggs says. "One man told me, 'Let's say someone is walking by when you are criticizing your mate. That is the only opinion they have of you.'"

Marriage Tip No. 7: If you're the wife, lower your expectations. If you're the husband, step up to the plate.

When Steve Brody and his wife, Cathy Brody, MFT, a marriage and family counselor, toured the country to promote their book, Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, they asked audiences what they wanted from marriage.
"Women expected to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted," Steve Brody says. They had a long list of wants and expectations, he recalls. The men joked that their expectations were more basic: Their typical answers, Brody says: "Bring food and show up naked."
While the men were half joking, the gaps in expectations are a good lesson. To close the gap, Brody says, women need to lower their expectations -- to not expect 24/7 romance, for instance, especially if their mate has just worked an unbelievably long week.
Men need to do some of the things the woman wants, such as prioritize their relationship and listen more, he says. In a nutshell, Brody says, "Men need to do the same things at home that they do at work." He tells the husbands he counsels to think of it this way: "Your wife is the million-dollar client. If she walks out the door, the business is closed."




 And here's 8 more tips I found that are also important to keeping a marriage strong:

1) PRIVATE MATTERS SHOULD BE KEPT PRIVATE

Private matters like your sexual relationships, finances and anything else you deem private should be kept between you and your mate, only.

Whatever happens within the marriage should stay there and not be blabbed about at the workplace or bar. If your mate couldn't climax the night before don’t make fun about it in public. That should remain between the two of you only.

Problems often arise if the wife earns more than the husband. He doesn't want people to think the wife is keeping him or that he married her for her money, so it’s best to keep financial matters as private as possible.


2) FINANCIAL HABITS CAN MAKE OR BREAK A MARRIAGE

Set up a budget and then try to stay within your budget. Put so much aside into a savings account, each month, even if it seems a measly amount. This gets you into the habit of saving and watching areas where you could economize even more.

Plan ahead for those necessary expenditures and emergencies. Review your strategy month by month along with your long term goals.

Figure out ways of economizing on the small details, because those pennies really do add up.


3) JOIN TOGETHER IN THE ROUTINES OF THE MARRIAGE

Draw up a contract just like a business arrangement where you list all the jobs that have to be done and when they have to be completed. That way everything gets done on a routine basis. This leaves no room for arguments about who should do what.

Set aside one hour a night when you both work at your routines set for that day. You work together, you finish together and then you have time for each other. It’s amazing what can be accomplished within one hour especially if you are both working at it and not feeling slighted because you’re the only one, doing all the work while your partner just sits and watches TV.



4) KEEP YOUR SEPARATE PERSONALITIES

No one wants a yes man or woman. Both men and women are different and therefore should retain their own likes and dislikes. Just because the husband likes football, doesn’t mean that the wife has to enjoy it and the reverse is true for the wife and her enjoyments which the husband can’t stand, like perhaps sewing. But, show respect for your mate’s interests and the time set for your mate to spend with friends.

Always respect each other’s belief systems. No two people think the exact same way.


5) MAKE A DECISION ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN AND STICK TO IT NO MATTER        
    WHAT

If you have discussed a problem with one of the children and come to a decision then stick to it and don’t undermine your mate making him/her to look like a monster. The child needs to know that if one parent says no then the other one agrees. Children become confused and start playing one parent against the other.

This will eventually cause a rift between the parents and can lead to an unhappy household. No parent enjoys hearing a child say well daddy/mommy said I could after you have just told the child no.


6) BE LOYAL AND HONEST WITH EACH OTHER

If something happens, tell your mate outright and then try to work through the problem. There is nothing worse than hearing it second hand from a friend rather than from your mate directly.

Take time for each other and the family, instead of attending too many committee meetings out of the house.

If you like to drink, why not drink at home instead of down at the bar. It’s cheaper and your mate will be happier knowing where you are. Perhaps bring your buddies home once in a while. Again both mates should check with the other to be sure there aren't other plans for that night.


7) ABOVE ALL BE CONSIDERATE

Let your mate know if you are planning to bring friends home and not just walk in with them. The same thing for your children. Tell them to plan ahead and perhaps set one night a week preferably not the same night the bridge or drinking party is taking place so they can start organizing their lives as well.

When your mate is sick, try to be considerate. That means keeping the house quiet and helping with the clean meals and clean-up. Remember, when someone is sick, they are at their weakest moment and need positive energy to get well.

Take turns deciding what the entertainment will be like the movie or TV program.


8) SURPRISES CAN BE FUN

Surprise your mate with a special evening once in a while. Arrange with a friend to take the kids for a sleep over but do make sure you reciprocate the favor at a later time.

Make sure the house is super clean if you’re planning a love nest time at home and have his favorite meal prepared. Set a romantic tone with candles, his favorite scent, wine and music. Remember this is his special night.

Then sometime let him reciprocate by taking you out to your favorite restaurant. It’s special, little surprises and treats like this, that spark a marriage and keep the romance alive. But remember, it doesn't have to be expensive, for it’s the love and mutual respect that spark the marriage into a life commitment of fulfillment.






If you follow these simple marriage tips more than likely you will keep your marriage well tuned until ‘death does you part’. May the blessings of love be truly with you.




Hope this little advice helps someone today.  I know its always good to have a reminder!  We've made it through 8 years of marriage so far (some years great others tough, like this last one).  If you follow these tips above, I know they will help tremendously towards keeping your marriage strong!