Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wonderfully Funny Wednesdays!

I went a-searching for some funnies today.  Take some time out to laugh!  It makes the day a lot better.  While you're at it...why not have just two--count 'em TWO--pieces of  your favorite chocolate (that's not two bars but two pieces!) while you relax & read these jokes for a few minutes!

Being a Woman

Why it is so cool to be a woman
-We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

-We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

-When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.


-Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.


-We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.


-We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

-Systems support men always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

-We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.

-We got off the Titanic first.

-Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

-We have total control over our eyebrows.

-We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

-It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

-We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

-The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.

-We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

-We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our... womanhood.

-Taxis stop for us.

-We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

-We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

-We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

-It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing) or how to fix a car or other machinery/tech stuff. But we look incredibly cool if we do.

-We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean. Ever.

-We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

The Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.


And here are some unconventional "tips" to a cleaner house!

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.

CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.

Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. (just don't forget about them & use the oven!)

Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.

Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.

Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)

Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.

Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.

Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.
Time: 3 seconds
SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.

Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.

Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.

Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.

Time: 0
SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.

Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 15:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home

Hope this made you laugh out of your chair!  Now get up & get some work done on this "hump" day!  (OH & post your funnies below!)